Narcissistic Personality Disorder & Borderline Personality Disorder (III)
The Perfect Couple
Why do we attract certain types of people?
Why do we recreate similar situations in our life, therefore, re-experience our trauma? Why do we date people who treat us in ways that mirror our upbringing and/or lead us to be like our parents?
We tend to recreate familial dynamic in present relationships because we hope that this time, this relationship, will inevitably create a different outcome. We hope that this time, we will be able to free ourselves from the pain we once endured, both from internal and external occurrences. Although most can retrospectively examine what did and did not work out in relationships, in real time it tends to be a very unconscious process. Think about it this way:
When we feel settled and comfortable in a situation, a traumatizing experience may occur, and/or we may enable a situation which reactivates a past traumatic experience. Why is that?
When this happens, our body may respond with severe symptoms since it feels like it is in a safe space to finally process the effects of past trauma.
Borderline/Narcissistic Individuals: Why are they often attracted to each other?
Borderline individuals tend to have a history of neglect, abandonment, and various abuse experienced during their childhood. Narcissistic individuals tend to have a history of being humiliated, with a lack of healthy role models, leading to no or falsified confidence. When these personality disorders meet, that initially seem to be a perfect fit; the “perfect fit’ though actually enables both to replay their suppressed trauma.
While individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder tend to have a tremendous need for closeness and are attuned to their need (both emotionally and physically), they are often afraid to address this. Individuals with Narcissism, however, stand on the opposite side of the spectrum and tends to lack empathy. Narcissists present as completely cut off from their feelings, which inevitably leads to little to no empathy considering they don’t even hold space for their own feelings. When both collide in a relationship, it is often experienced as cold, disconnected, and not as visceral as one might desire.
What plays out? How does that process look?
Individuals diagnosed with BPD need to learn how to embrace their feelings from the inside instead of looking to their partner and assuming they will be their savior in life. While an individual with NPD essentially shows an individual with BPD where there is a wound in themselves by their own behaviors, it is up to the individual parties to heal themselves and transform in their own accord, rather than being dependent on one another for actual change and a healthy perspective in life. On the other hand, those diagnosed with NPD need to learn how to authentically value themselves rather than constantly seeking validation externally.
When an individual with BPD is distressed (does not get what it wants), their internal working model manifests felt insecurity and anxiety (due to abandonment) and usually a demanding and controlling behaviors. BPD individuals might chase an individual with NPD to address any felt mistreatment and abuse in the relationship, longing for love and hoping not to be abandoned. But in this moment, the reality is that the BPD individual has actually abandoned themselves. The healing step requires stoping that behavior (which often only makes a person with BPD undignified) and go “IN” feeling the internal, emotional and sometimes even physical pain of the situation.
Although there is a strong attraction in NBP and BPD individuals, the relationship tends to be built from a fearful and insecure foundation and often develops an unhealthy dynamic. The couple then might feed into and subconsciously enable constant replays of old traumas and surface the initial emotions suppressed: humiliation, neglect, insecurity, and more. A relationship can often be long-term due to the enabling nature and juxtaposition of what is felt and projected between the two: a person with BPD can have an extended tolerance for mistreatment (due to longing for love, and lack of self-love) while the narcissist controls the relationship (in manners that have shown effectively to maintain control, i.e. aggression and money). Because narcissists often desire full control and power in their lives, they usually have the mentality of everything in their scope as being controllable and theirs: “what I can have is fully mine" or "whatever is in my possession, I have full control over". In a relationship, “what is mine” is usually the person they are dating, and in this case, an individual with BPD who dates a narcissist, often complies, as they have a sense of "I guess I deserve what happens to be" or “this is how they must show their love”. The BPD individual attracts this relationship dynamic to heal and break the trauma circle; in the relationship with the NPD individual. In the end, they learn to find love, safety and stability inside and do not have to not rely on external forces for validation.
Next steps: Effective Healing Through Introspection
A relationship between the two can ultimately lead to an authentic healing in themselves and with each other. A BPD individual needs to take responsibility of their feelings while rebuilding self-love and exploring their inner self. Meanwhile, a NPD individual needs to rebuild self-confidence by diving deep and sitting in the discomfort of repressed pain, humiliation, and other ‘negative’ emotions felt during their upbringing. Both need to embrace the pain of their inner-child (childhood trauma) and use that vulnerability to empower their present selves and relationships. In a relationship, both can be a tour-de-force: a devil dance of love and war.
What Do We Do With This?
The biggest and boldest step is to deeply look into yourself and allow yourself to feel everything, yes everything, being felt. Find time to tune into yourself and be sure to be compassionate in how you are with others with yourself. Every process takes time, patience, and compassion, and ultimately love. The more we can love ourselves, the greater potential we can love others.
Each relationship is a great opportunity to grow. Those with BPD need to feel their emotions and not mirror what they might have experienced as a child: do not abandon themselves. If you recognize any traits of BPD, take time to sit with the pain and embrace it from the inside, over and over again. It will transform into something beautiful and empowering.
Those with NPD need to experience a similar process: open yourself up to the repressed painful emotions felt as well. Narcissists often have the tendency to invest their whole life in a certain lifestyle that masks their internal pain, creating the outside world in such way that tricks others to value and admire their life. Those with NPD need to slowly withdraw from distracting behaviours and truly process the emotional disturbance that has always lied within.
There are many techniques that can inevitably support this process, and if it is too difficult to process individually, there are therapists who can help with releasing the old trauma and pain and support the rebuilding process. As we heal, whether individually or collectively, always remember to hold compassion & patience throughout the process.