The reason a couple comes to therapy & the therapist's role:
A couple comes to therapy usually because TRUST has been broken. There might be no safety, no intimacy, no connection, no communication, issues of infidelity.
The therapist needs to find that cause, the reason the couple is lacking the connection and slowly teach them how to repair it. A therapist role is to guide the couple to explore underlying believes, behaviours, feelings, explore the wounds that the relationships brings up to the surface. Therefore, the relationship for each partner becomes a way to grow and mature. The therapist facilitates the intimacy, helps the couple to re-connect, and offers tools to develop connection.
A therapist's supports a couple to:
- explore needs of each of them
- bering awareness to their sensitivities
- teach them to take responsibility for their emotions
- teach vulnerability
- make them aware of they way they are being grandiose or submissive and do work to bring them to equality
- find their values and bringing up to the surface how one partner is contribute to fulfilment of the deepest values of the other
- inner child work in the presence of the partner
- trauma work individually or in the presence of their partner if there is enough trust
- teaching NVO skills and share from a deep space of vulnerability
- teach them to voice their fears and insecurities
- voice their hurts, while teaching them taking responsibilities for them
- voice their gifts
- teach them to recognise their acting out when their needs are not met and by embodiment teach them to extend their windows of tolerance
- teach them how to be attentive to their partners needs and care for them
- teach them to contain feelings; expectations and resentments
- teach them awareness of pulling away
- facilitate the inner transformation which results in deepening the sense of self
- make consciousness how their wounds run their life: how they try to get love, attention and recognition using strategies they created in their childhood, and instead make them aware of making decisions from the present moment using wisdom and clarity and their true values
A therapist has to make a couple aware of the power dynamic and explore of the wounds that are underneath them which show in this polarity, the power needs to be equal. The person who has less power needs to explore the pain of feeling powerless, which will results in coming to a place where he or she will believe that he/she is worthy of being treated with respect and learn to set boundaries. The man or a women can only open up to the other to the extend he/she is confident with their boundaries.
The person in the grandiose position needs to explore his/her vulnerability and connect with the pain of another human being, (which can be done through exploring shame and fear that one has experienced during childhood). It is hard to do till the grandiose person (when it’s woman it’s is actually even harder) chooses power over love/relation.
- you have to teach them not to let conflicts fester
- emotional literacy - awareness of their own feelings, which are often blocked by the judgements and control of the other - they way to connect is to guide them to their body, explore deeply the fear that resides underneath letting go of judgments and control
- bringing awareness to the attachments needs and at the same time take responsibility for them. Recognising roots (in their childhood), and teach them to give themselves what their need instead of demanding from their partner
- teaching them a way of making requests instead of demands.